http://www.neilandsheri.com/index.htmlMy sordid life, now!enneilneil.neil@gmail.comCopyright 2008 Neil Estep2010-06-28T23:50:00-07:00 hourly 1 2000-01-01T12:00+00:00 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 00:04:35 -0700neilneil.neil@gmail.comHumor2010-06-28T23:50:00-07:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/when_pigeons_attack.html#unique-entry-id-10http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/when_pigeons_attack.html#unique-entry-id-10
Some days you just walk out of your house, cross the street and reach your destination without interruption. If this day is without agenda, you might look up at the trees and appreciate the lovely birds adorning their branches, smile and think, “Gee, birds are such majestic, colorful creatures. Surely they are little angels sent from heaven to provide the soundtrack to my sunny day.” But these tranquil thoughts are necessarily accompanied by a secondary thought, one we don’t always recognize: “Stay the hell away from me, birds. Stay up there in your tree with your little bird shits and your little bird diseases. Leave me alone.” Saturday, this silent avian contract was abruptly, almost violently broken.]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comHumor2009-01-07T21:52:52-08:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_003.html#unique-entry-id-9http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_003.html#unique-entry-id-9Folks, this one’s real, though one of the speakers has been largely imagined.

Man on phone: God, I’m so pissed!

Customer-service rep.: I’m very sorry, sir.

Man on phone: So you’re telling me somebody bought “Street Fighter” using my phone?

Customer-service rep.: Yes, sir. Did you lose your phone at some point?

Man on phone: Well, I think I lost it Thursday night, but I got really drunk that night and didn’t realize it was gone until the next morning. I was so pissed, but I looked everywhere for it, and just as I was about to call and deactivate it, I found it.

Customer-service rep.: Uh huh.

Man on phone: Wait, can you look up the person’s account who bought it and find out who they are, so we can get them?

Customer-service rep.: No, sir. They used your account. It’s your phone.

Man on phone: Right. Man, I got to get a new phone. Hey, what do you think of the Samsung OMNIA? Has that been doing all right?

Customer-service rep.: Thank you for calling AT&T, sir. Have a nice day.

–CLICK–]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comHumor2009-01-05T18:23:46-08:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_002.html#unique-entry-id-8http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_002.html#unique-entry-id-8
Inspector: Yes, but isn’t the very act of flying suspicious, considering you’ve had little to no training in such an endeavor?

Pilot: I spent four years in the U.S. Flight Force and have been flying commercially ever since.

Inspector: Still, your gravity defiance has left me quite concerned.

Pilot: This is preposterous. Hold on a moment, would you? (Into the blinking red phone) Pilot to base, my artificial horizon is all jimbly, and the black and yellow lever is dangly doo. Please respond.

Inspector: In the meantime, I’ve detained your crew and removed this critical wire to dust for fingerprints.

–CRASH–]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comHumor2009-01-04T22:09:26-08:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_001.html#unique-entry-id-7http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/daily_dialogue_001.html#unique-entry-id-7
Dude: Yup. It’s gonna be tough driving tomorrow.

Guy: Don’t remind me. But, hey, it can’t be as bad near my place as it will be near yours. Last week, I don’t know how I even got out of your driveway.

Dude: Mmm. What? Wait, you haven’t been over to the house since Thanksgiving, and it was as dry and sunny as a Christian choir girl. What were you doing in my driveway?

Guy: I boned your wife.

THE END]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comPersonalHumor2008-11-15T19:45:16-08:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/sanctity_of_ice_cream.html#unique-entry-id-6http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/sanctity_of_ice_cream.html#unique-entry-id-6
As someone who’s spent a fair amount of time learning about words and their contextual weight, I can’t help but wonder: what if we changed the word marriage to a different, less powerful word? What if suddenly the word marriage in religious books and church doctrine became as meaningless as 50% of the nation’s heterosexual matrimony? What if we replaced the word marriage with a word we can all be happy about, a word (or two) without negative consequences or stipulations, a word like ice cream?

Isn’t this a good idea? No? Allow me to present my case:

• Ice cream comes in tons of flavors, just like the human population. And although some combinations seem better suited for one another, any flavor mixture will be unique and sweet and delicious because, well, it’s ice cream. Some fantastic flavors had to overcome great hardships to be recognized and eventually popularized. Do you think Spumoni was embraced right away after the Italians cast it aside? No. Chocolate and Pistachio––along with their kids, Fruits and Nuts––fought for years to secure their rights. Do you think Vanilla and Chocolate were always allowed to swirl? No way. In fact, until 1967 the vanilla-chocolate swirl was banned in 16 states.
• Ice cream is fundamentally basic: sugar, cream, ice. And little differences here and there add to the diversity of flavors we all enjoy. It’s fine if you only like your ice cream a certain way. Maybe you always order Strawberry and Vanilla, and nothing anyone says will change your mind. That’s great. And if someone in line next to you orders Rainbow Sherbet and Coconut, it won’t affect you in any way; you can continue to eat your ice cream the way you want.
• Even the lactose intolerant have options. Let’s say you’re a totally intolerant person, and you look around at all the ice-cream combinations in disgust and indignation. These combinations shouldn’t be allowed, you think, and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe Jesus, the Latino ice-cream truck driver, told you these combinations were bad, that they went against everything ice cream stood for, and you’re angry. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to speak out about your anger. But maybe you stop listening to Jesus and his truck for a moment. Maybe you decide to see for yourself what ice cream is all about. You could always introduce yourself to those new hippie neighbors, the Soy Scoops; perhaps that nice healthy couple from your child’s soccer games, the Sorbets, would like to come over for dinner. Suddenly you realize that, wow, ice cream isn’t so bad. These flavors and varieties seem great, maybe even normal. What was I so mad about?

This all seems a bit ridiculous, doesn’t it? It might be. But it’s not half as ridiculous as the injustice currently pervading this country.

Grow up, live your life, and eat your own damn flavors.

]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comCelebrity2008-11-02T15:39:47-08:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/110208_whom_i_saw_today.html#unique-entry-id-5http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/110208_whom_i_saw_today.html#unique-entry-id-5
This isn’t crazy exciting, but during a busy and uniquely odd day this really rounded things out.

Jim Belushi (“Mr. Destiny”) and Chris O’Donnell (“Batman Forever”) came in for breakfast this morning with what I assume were their families and friends. The whole thing struck me as odd mainly because I hadn’t heard about any upcoming projects featuring the two men, and, well, you just don’t realize who knows whom out there in Hollywoodland until they’re in a movie together.

Does anyone know why these guys are visiting Seattle? And I don’t want to hear they’re opening a moderate-celebrity themed restaurant. Planet (the suburb just outside) Hollywood?]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comPersonal2008-10-31T14:55:44-07:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/4a4d5af596699cf51cece4aa6bde35be-4.html#unique-entry-id-4http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/4a4d5af596699cf51cece4aa6bde35be-4.html#unique-entry-id-4
There are, I assume, times in everyone’s life in which an opportunity to say or do something important and transcendent arises, a time that will likely come about only once in a lifetime. Yesterday I had such an opportunity, and I somehow allowed it to pass by in what will surely be one of the biggest personal disappointments of the year, if not the decade.

Please allow me to explain what happened. I was walking to work yesterday, a slightly wet but otherwise tolerable day in downtown Seattle. I was late (as usual) and had been held up at a crosswalk directly across from work, on the corner of 5th and Seneca. I stood, as I do every morning, frantically looking both ways for traffic while simultaneously dodging the gaze of an impatient boss peering out the window. Next to me stood a middle-aged man wearing a backpack and cap.

As I waited for the light to change, I saw across the street my coworker and friend Thong, a Vietnamese immigrant and fun guy to work with. As you can imagine, a name like that makes him a very good sport, and we all have a good time giving him a hard time. Running late himself and seeing me stuck, Thong began jogging toward the entrance, flailing wildly as if to mock me for being at the mercy of the automated traffic light. The following conversation took place immediately thereafter:

Guy next to me (referring to Thong): “F*cking faggot.”

Me: *silence*

Guy next to me (loudly): “God hates you!”

Me: *silence*

Guy next to me: “You’re going to hell.”

Me: *silence*

(The light changes. I head to work in awe.)

I am, without question, staunchly passive-aggressive, and I avoid major confrontation wherever possible. But this time a flood of comments and questions filled my head, each seemingly more urgent than the next:

“You know, that guy is married with a baby. What exactly led you to assume he’s gay?”

“You know that’s all bullshit, right?”

“You know, it’s people like you that make me irrationally hope for the abolishment of religion.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

So why didn’t I say anything? What made me so reticent to speak out against this delusional Fred Phelps wannabe? I loathe this ideology with every fiber of my being, yet I remained silent as he spewed his hateful rhetoric. I offer no excuse for my actions, only an apology.

In many ways, meeting this man was like meeting a unicorn or Santa Claus––they couldn’t ever exist until you were face to face with them. The worst part is that I feared him––not what he might do to me, which could easily have been violent, but his difference from me. He subscribes to a belief and lifestyle I can’t comprehend, and my silence represents the same hypocrisy by which people like him live. I realize now what I missed and what I’d do differently, and I hope this post serves as my catharsis. I owed it to myself.
]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comLanguage2008-10-28T01:15:46-07:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/5eed52dfdbcf9f2e5998652df0ad5adc-3.html#unique-entry-id-3http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/5eed52dfdbcf9f2e5998652df0ad5adc-3.html#unique-entry-id-3
As the title indicates, I’m having a problem. And it’s not one of those problems that I’m sure is even a problem. It might be that I have simply created this problem in the absence of confirmation of an actual problem.

I call people “dear.”

And not just any people: women -- specifically female co-workers, friends and relatives. It hadn’t occurred to me that this word might be somehow offensive until I saw a twitter friend, Mignon Fogarty (a.k.a. Grammar Girl), describe an experience she had on the phone. It went something like this:

Mignon called a business of some sort and was speaking to a female employee about something. In the background she heard a male voice call the worker “honey” and quickly assumed that this was a sexist boss belittling his subordinate. In her tweet she derided this “pig” and proceeded to consider other possible scenarios (e.g., the business was small, and the male was the woman’s husband).

But this interaction, completely removed from me and my life, got me thinking. For whatever reason, I’ve begun calling female acquaintances “dear” without considering my reasons for doing so. These acquaintances aren’t always particularly dear to me, so I wonder: am I being subconsciously sexist?

Social scientists might say that I am, that I use the word only toward women to mark the difference between our genders, believing my gender, or group, to be superior, but I’m not so sure that’s the case. I question the difference between “dear” and other words like “honey” or “babe,” but words’ meanings change all the time, and I like to think there are other variables at work here.

What do you think? Is the word sexist? Should I remove it immediately from my vocabulary? Or is this an exception to other gender-specific disparagement in our society? Have I called you “dear”? Did it feel wrong?]]>neilneil.neil@gmail.comDesign2008-06-30T22:48:36-07:00http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/4bd4d49deec99fd8cb6d26a80faefe6b-0.html#unique-entry-id-0http://www.neilandsheri.com/neil/files/4bd4d49deec99fd8cb6d26a80faefe6b-0.html#unique-entry-id-0
Here’s my review of “In Bruges” after it’s been thoroughly rearranged by Wordle. And check out the original, slightly more legible review, as well as my interview with Colin Farrell and Martin McDonagh.]]>